The Traveling Gnomes

Thursday June 18th

Plan was to meet Sully and Dan at Dan’s house at 5:45 AM for 8:00 AM flight from Tweed to Atlanta.

Hector is making Suzanne drive him to Tweed.

Sully arrives on time, late, at 6:00 AM.

Pat rides in the backseat with electric hedge clippers with suspicious appearing dark maroon stains on same.

Jovial conversation intersected the ride between traffic. Dan remarks something about Pat will probably meet some random person he knows in Georgia. That then moved into Governor Gaffney discussions for 6 seconds.

Pat, Dan and Sully (PDS) arrive safely at Tweed. Sully had secured a parking spot in outer Mongolia (Lot C).

After the short bus ride to the terminal, the PDS team goes to the check-in desk and were quickly told to enter the TSA line ASAP. They did so and saw handsome Hector (H) at the head of the line!

The PDS team walks to the back of the line, where P runs into another retired CSP member (Dan called it), on the same flight! That encounter resulted in a social media post within seconds.

Aircraft boarding occurs without incident, except walking in the rain to the aircraft-no covered jetway! D,H,S are seated together. P was separated by a mother and child. Sleep appears to have occurred with S & P, while H&D chuckled and held hands. Our crew was quite jovial! Over the intercom they referred to themselves as Prince Charming, Barbie, Bubbles and Trixie!

No issues while in flight, however H became quite concerned as the aircraft was landing, another similar appearing aircraft was also landing nearly wig tip to wing tip. According to Jerry, that is usually referred to as a tandem landing, not a tampon landing D.

Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport is very large, yet extremely functional. We walked for nearly 40 days until we reached the Air-Train to the rent-a- car section.

P had the rental with Avis and encountered employee Desiree Darling (DD), who was quite charming as the car P reserved was not available. Minutes of negotiations were conducted, and we were upgraded to a Kia Telluride. VP Vance could learn a thing or two from that close encounter. The Telluride will play a critical and lifesaving role later in this story.

So, we set forth from the airport to Carrollton, GA.

Throughout the ride there were many discussions about critical absence of dentists we would encounter in western GA and whether the word of the Lord has reached this outpost of civilization.

We headed west on US 61, turned on the US 166 and pulled into downtown Carrollton in approximately 55 minutes.

Very nice ride remarked the aged travelers. One of our questions was answered before reaching Carrollton as we lost count of the number of houses, sheds and warehouses of worship we passed along the route.  US 166 will play a significant role later.

We arrived at our hotel in Carrollton where were greeted by Carol behind the check-in desk. A very pleasant woman indeed. According to Carol we should be able to check in as it was afternoon, but our rooms were not ready. She offered to check our bags and issued claim tickets for each. One of those tickets will play a role later in the story.

Carol issued us maps of the city center and related we were within walking distance of the center. Indeed, we were! We called Steve and he us met at the hotel. He looked great for a guy older than me.

After securing our bags, we set forth on foot to the center of town. We noticed the streets were empty. No traffic or people. It had the feeling of a Stephen King story.  We stopped at the Irish Bred Pub. We had a round or two of beverages  with the assistance of Gracie. Stories were told and updates were made. Plans were made for dinner.

We headed back to the hotel to claim our bags and our rooms. The hotel had issues with their checkin application, so D, S &H were slightly delayed checking in. P grew tired of watching repeats of David Bromstad’s My Lottery Dream Home and headed to the hotel bar. P was joined shortly by H. They were served by Andy. Andy is a lifetime searcher. He has been searching his entire adult life for his teeth. He still hasn’t found what he is looking for.

Andy also saves on washing and cleaning clothes by wearing the same each day. I am sure he is well liked by his mother and aunt. H was aghast when Andy poured a drink for another patron which had tequila, pineapple juice, orange juice and red wine.

Steve stopped by later in his 2022 Honda Ridgeline and picked up P, D, S &H. We then got a tour of the area in the rain. We arrived at Printer’s Ale and met Alex. Do not call her Alexa!

We had a great dinner and sampled several excellent draft beers! Great call Steve!

He dropped us off and we called it a good day!

Friday June 19

Friday morning the lads (H, S, D & P) assembled in the lobby at approximately 0900 hours and decided to walk to Highland Deli and Grill for breakfast. Once again the streets were deserted. One cautiously looked over their shoulder as these four AARP appearing lawmen walked the center of the streets of Streets of Laredo (aka Carrollton). Our only assignment that day was to meet Steve at the City Tavern at 1:30pm and to watch the World Cup.

We acquired a table at the Highland Deli which was completely decked out in Scottish photos, painting, clothing and excessive haggis related objects! The older male employee with a very southern accent took our orders. Thinking his spouse had to be Scottish, we inquired. He related his wife and another female (and her Scottish husband) open the deli 24 years ago. After a year, the Scots grew tired of slinging hash. The American female co-owner and her husband purchased the business. They have been in business for the past 23 years! The breakfast was excellent! We were able to sit and relax for nearly two hours.

Fat, full, slow and limping (Dan) we left and headed back to the hotel and gathered into the Telluride with no said assigned journey. Sully cried, “Let us set forth upon the seas of destiny!” D and P wanted to get cigars.

We found a log cabin cigar shop called Boss Cigars. D&P left H&S in the car. They were told the doors were locked and no exit was possible! Boss Cigars had a nice selection of cigars; in fact, D found a CT grown cigar and purchased same. P found a nice smoke or two. They encountered employee Ted who related he once drove though CT…possible fugitive from justice P thought. S figured out how to open his door and joined us inside. H chilled.

H later told me some truly remarkable information. He has a list of over 5 thousand beers he has sampled… wow! I think at times, I have five fingers on one hand! I was in the present of a Cicerone!

So, after exiting Boss Cigar, we approached the on ramp for US 166 West in Carrollton and headed west towards Alabama. Got to say it was a fun cruise though Georgia! As we found the state line, with Smitty rolled up on the cup holder, we stopped and took a series of photos of his Blvd on the welcome sign to Sweet Home Alabama! He had to smiling down and calling us assholes!

We then continued west into Alabama as S and H had not been experienced. As we traveled, we quickly noted the apparent Alabama state requirement that all four (or three wall) structures must have rusty, corrugated metal roofs! Our backseat, large assed version of Alexa, informed us we were not far from the largest tree in Alabama. So, we all agreed to visit it! At one point (Fat Ass Alexa-FAA) said “after this long curve, take the next left”. We did and road surface quickly downgrade but we pushed on telling stories and joking.

Approximately 11 minutes later we were stopped at a T intersection on a dirt road with signs indicated we were at a toxic dump site. We have not seen another human for 40 minutes, just turkey vultures circling above. The FAA, drawing back to his work experience, pointed out we were surrounded by leaching fields. At this moment the FAA remarked, “Oh, I never pushed the start button to find the largest tree in Alabama.” “He’s a real nowhere man, Sitting in his nowhere land.”

After much ballyhoo, we retraced our route back to the main road of US 46 in Alabama. Did we decide to return to Georgia to meet Steve at the City Tavern in Carrollton to watch the World Cup? NO!

We wanted to see the damn tree!

Now with GPS set with two different applications, we headed further west into Alabama. Approximately 20 minutes later, we crossed a single lane bridge across the Tallapoosa River.

Waiting for us was the oldest and apparently largest swamp chestnut tree in Alabama!

Cries of joy were heard and several “wait, I got to take a piss” statements were made. Smitty was whipped out again and photos were taken.

We also noticed issues with our vehicle’s clock and our own watches. We suddenly lost an hour of time as if we wandered into a time void.

We rolled Smitty up and entered the Telluride. We all decided to head back to Carrollton to meet up with Steve. We were parked on Alabama County Route 84 (ACR) in an easterly direction. Several GPS apps indicate to head east on ACR 84 to get us back to Carrollton.

At this location, ACR 84 was a single lane paved road. We drove along in the 85-degree temperature and thick humidity, passed a large cattle farm on the left and several residences on the right. We then passed a steel fence and gated entrance with “Cleb Urne”, across the gate. We quickly renamed it Club Urine. We later found out that the sign was referring to a lake named after a Confederate Officer Cleburne. Steve’s wife Karen referenced this location as a nudist camp. Not sure how she knows this!

After short time, the road surface changed to gravel, but solid. The roadway itself narrowed and the roadside vegetation growth made passage demanding. However, both apps indicated we were on the right direction. After approx. 1 mile, we encountered several blind turns and steep hills. The road surface was now orange tinted clay.

As we reached the top of one of these hills, the apps instructed us to turn right. This road was narrower than the previous “pathway”. Also present was a small metal sign with several gunshots’ holes, stating surveillance was present.

Discussions were made whether to continue or head back. We pushed on which immediately took us down a steep hill. Someone remarked that there were recent tire marks on the road surface. P pointed out those were bulldozer treads, not tire marks. We continued. Silence grew.

We descended a second hill which brought us to a hollow between a grove of trees. Immediately to our left was an open walled shack resembling a “shine” still or a gutting stand as there were at least two deer stands visible nearby.

Ahead of us was the tallest and steepest hill yet. To make matters more compelling, the center of the road surface had been eroded into an open gouge. We accelerated up the hill for a distance until we found a level area.

That level area was an orange lake of mud as another hill was in front of us. It had rained heavily the night before.

As stated previously we were driving a Kia Telluride which had All Wheel Drive (AWD). AWD generally powers the front wheels but can engage the rear wheels if slippage is encountered. There was no low four-wheel drive selection. Its tires were great for highway driving, but in the mud, they were just like racing slicks.

Slippage was now encountered. Severe slippage. Like oh shit, we are in slippage hell. Like the Liberty Bell caught on the West Haven sand bar, we were stuck. We apparently settled into a pool of crimson, orange mud. P asked D if he would check the road surface ahead of the vehicle. D faithfully exited the vehicle and sunk into the mud. D, good man indeed, slipped his way forward and found solid clay approx. 30 yards ahead. P was able to move the now sideways slipping moving vehicle, forward passing D and accelerated up the next hill approximately a half mile. Silence reign from the rear seated acorns.

Upon that hilltop, P,S &H encountered another road to the left, but no signs of solid surfaces or intelligent life. Decision was made to attempt to turn the vehicle around and retrace the route just traveled. D had been abandoned so the others could live.

As the vehicle was able to turn around, and headed back down, D was found stumbling as if climbing Mt Kilimanjaro without oxygen. A vote was taken, with a 2 to 1 count in his favor (silent ballots), after unlocking the door, he was let back in the vehicle. P reviewed his notes on CPR (30 compressions to 2 breaths) as D was “laboring” but upon inspection he was confined to 2 centimeters. In between breaths, D related he felt as if someone sighting him through a rifle’s scope. Probably just some good old boys looking for a jar of lube related S.

The vehicle retraced its 2.9 mile off-road journey, and joyous sounds were made when we passed by Club Urine’s gates! Paved surface again! They then came upon the oldest swamp chestnut tree for the second (and probably last time) in their lifetimes and blew kisses to her branches!

We then made our way to Interstate 20 (I-20) and headed east to Georgia and Carrollton.

We arrived at the hotel and noticed our midnight black Telluride was now two toned black and crimson. We backed it to a space without the rear plate visible and walked to City Tavern. We arrived at 1:35 pm. Which was remarkable considering what occurred!

We then realized Alabama is in the Central Time Zone and Georgia was in the Eastern Time Zone… an hour difference! Idiots.

The City Tavern was a nice pub! We met Steve there and recited the morning’s adventures! The owner came over (Rick Weaver). Nice guy without a southern accent. Turns out he grew up in Hamden on Hepburn Road, attended Ridge Hill School and was an altar boy at Saint Stephen Church on Ridge Road. Stayed in Hamden until 8 grade when the family moved. Father was in the Air Force.

Watched the World Cup game USA vis Aussies…the yanks won. Steve’s British pal Paul joined us. As we strolled the streets of Carrollton, we ran across a boutique displaying bright, floral clothing. P matched the color palette!

We decided we would go out for dinner to Huck’s, so we headed back to hotel. D & P enjoyed their cigars outside and was joined by H & S for more deep thought bull shit.

D then met up with Hotel Andy. D and Andy discussed Andy’s cooking tips for haggis and other related food groups. Chicken livers were his specialty. Andy was still attired in his favorite (only) clothes. D and Andy had some confusion regarding Tuck’s or Huck’s, but Steve then stopped by to lead us to Huck’s, not Tucks

We were joined by Karen and Jennifer at Huck’s. Carrie was our waitress. Very nice dinner with a great positive group!

After dinner, we agreed to follow Steve to his house for a beverage. While enroute P was stopped by Police Officer David Osbourne of the Carrollton Police Department via lights and siren. Officer approached P on the driver’s side and asked for license. Remember the luggage claim ticket given by Carol to P? Well P had placed his half of the claim ticket over his license so it would not be lost.

As P removed the claim ticket and was about to present his license, Officer Osbourne quickly said to have nice day and ran back to his car. He sped off via lights and siren, never to be seen again. Lesson for the readers, hold on to your luggage claim tickets!

Steve pulled up and said P’s headlights were off. They were then turned on.

Steve was followed to his house for a drink.

After a beverage or two, D,S,H &P, headed back to the hotel. P managed to get lost on the way so we took a short cut through the back side of the town parking garage, a maneuver that Steve thought was impossible

Andy wasn’t present.

Saturday June 20th

Saturday morning, we assembled once again in the lobby of the hotel at 0900 hours, and the decision was made to have breakfast at the local Waffle House. Some of our participants had never been to a Waffle House so this was a new event for them. Entering the Twilight Zone.

Upon entering the Waffle House, we were met by the greeter who was appeared to be approximately 77 but related to she was only 42, due to cigarettes that aged her and her voice. She had the lowest tessitura in Carroll County.

We had a hard time understanding what she was asking and it was later deciphered by a patron behind us she just wants to know how many were in your party. Sounded like “you like Lardi?” The lack of articulation was due to her complete lack of teeth. Karen had warned us about this!

She directed us to the booth. Misty was our assigned waitress. To describe her, Misty would be your average feisty southern Waffle House waitress. Little brains, big mouth (and butt). Surprisingly, she had a full set of teeth, and they appeared to be natural teeth (although- perhaps not hers). She basically told us here’s the menu, read it, tell me what you want, and I’ll bring it to you and so we ordered and basically 3 1/2 minutes later it was in front of us.

It was a decent breakfast! So, D decided that he wanted to pay the bill, He got up and wandered around to the busy counter looking helpless and meekly said …”do I pay by pointing to the booth?” Misty barked and said, “fool, I left the bill right here in front of you (and pointed to the bill next to the napkin dispenser)!” With breakfast eaten and paid, we decided to go to the local car wash as we didn’t want to bring back the rental vehicle caked in a Crimson orange mud or roadkill blood from the previous day’s high country adventures.

We dealt with the very nice young lady at the car wash. We believe she was Victoria!

They brought out extra high-power hoses to clean offer under carriage. Any orange mud and bloodlike foreign substances would be mixed beyond courtroom worthy examination. The Kia was clean and we had the morning to ourselves because we weren’t scheduled to meet Steve until sometime after three or four that day.

We were very close to US 166, so we jumped back on it like we did the day before and headed west towards Alabama. Upon arriving to the Alabama/Georgia State lines, we stopped and got out to take photos from the other side of the road with Smitty’s banner welcoming folks into Georgia.

We went back to the Alabama side, and we then rolled up his a banner so that the sign read with our input, “Sweet Home Alabama Governor Kevin J Smith”! That looked pretty damn good, so we were in a great mood!

We then rolled up Smitty back up and we got in the car  and headed west. After a while, the FAA (fat ass Alexa) in the back seat said, “Hey we’re not that far from the highest point in Alabama. Do you want to go? It’s on top of Mount Cheaha, in the Talladega National Forest”

Like idiots, we agreed as long as it had paved roads. It did.

So, we headed to the highest point in Alabama which was about a 45 minute trip with hills, Japanese peanuts, valleys and curving roadways. We were soon on top of the highest point in Alabama after paying the $2.00 per senior citizen rate!

It actually was pretty nice (although a bit hazy with a weather front coming in). We got nice photos as we whipped out Smitty again! We retreated and headed back to Georgia; we were planning to meet Steve at his house after 4:00 PM.

While in route back from Alabama back to Carllton, we stopped to pick up flowers, wine and a box of blueberry Moon Pies. Never heard of them before. Like vultures, we ate half the box in the parking lot. Felt like we were 16 again for 7 minutes

We stopped back at the hotel because S said he had to drop a load and he was probably not the only one that had to do so!

We headed to Steve and Karen’s house and we got there about 4:00 PM. In the meanwhile, H had not been feeling well, with a possible head cold. He made a very tough decision not to attend Steve’ house. We all agreed it was the correct decision. Later, we drank his liquor and ate his share of food. Poor H…

It was a great evening as D, S & P sat with Steve, Karen and Karen’s sister Jenny on their porch! BTW, we had great weather during our trip to GA! Numerous canines enjoyed our company too!

Steve presented us with four beautiful, stunning, artistically crafted figurines that symbolize the relationship we have with Steve and ourselves. The photographs which appear will best describe them.

Upon arrival at home, P’s wife placed it directly in the garden! S copied that great idea and did the same in his garden.

We had possibly the prototypical western Georgia dinner of beef brisket, pulled pork and chopped beef. Many choices of sauces. I believe there was potato salad, green salad, macaroni and potato salad.!  I believe the beef and pork came from Billy Bob’s near Boss Cigars.

After dinner,  Steve DP&S then walked from Steve’s house to the center of Carollton where a live concert was playing at the local Amphitheatre. It was a Prince cover band and a great crowd! We stopped and had a beer at a local brewery which was right across the street from the Amphitheatre, making a very nice time!

We headed back to Steve’s house making sure that we were not going to get pulled over for (WWI- Walking While Intoxicated)! We were quite sober, but D’s limp made us suspect!

Upon arrival at home, Steve broke out a sealed bottle of whiskey which is entitled, “Fuck Cancer!”.

We all raised our glasses to and sip from and wished (and prayed) that Steve will have a quick recovery from his diagnosis. We also wished and prayed for all others prior or in the future should ever be burdened with this terrible sickness, would find quick recovery.

I think we might have had another drink or two after that but after that we decided it was time to go home it’s been a long day and we headed back to the hotel made it back without a police escort or a police stoppage on along the way and we got ready for the next morning.

Sunday June 21^st

Sunday morning arrived quickly. We had an 11:15 AM flight from Atlanta back to New Haven scheduled. No Waffle House today as we wanted to ensure prompt arrival to clear TSA lines.

We were curious whether TSA scans of our carry-on luggage would detect and cause questions. All four of us had placed our middle-fingered gnomes in our carry-on luggage. P went first and nothing was said. The next three were scanned without concern. I guess TSA granted us middle-fingered exemptions!

H still was not feeling great, so he picked up a bagel for later while the other three gnomes ate a decent airport breakfast…at the bar!

We boarded without issue with another full flight! I must admit Avelo does a good job! Pretty Barbie from our initial flight worked our return! No sight of the rest of the gang though.

Great flying day as we arrived in sunny New Haven!

H had curb side service by his pretty wife Suzanne while the others trekked off to outer Mongolia (Lot C).

P assumed the rear seat with the suspiciously stained clippers, while D rode shotgun in the EV…sounds a little underwhelming!

As the idiots pulled up the e-gate in the e-car, all systems crashed! We were powerless! However, after S cursed and radioed Houston, the e-car was rebooted and we were heading home!

Thanks to Steve and Karen so being great hosts! We got your back Steve!

It was a great  trip!